Achilles Launches Quixotic Senate Bid to Heroically Lose with Dignity
BOISE, ID — Todd Achilles, a Boise Democrat best known for holding opinions so progressive they make Portland look like Provo, shocked absolutely no one this morning by announcing his campaign for the U.S. Senate in Idaho — as an Independent.
Standing in front of a small crowd of reporters, two confused hikers, and a recycling bin, Achilles declared, “The two-party system is broken — and I would know, because my party hasn’t won a statewide race here since dial-up internet was a thing.”
Political insiders say the move is less about victory and more about staging a graceful political exit dressed up as a bold, principled stand. “This is a classic Idaho Democrat farewell tour,” said longtime observer Cliff Bentz (not the congressman, just a guy named Cliff Bentz). “He’s trying to lose in style, like a kamikaze pilot with a podcast.”
Achilles’ campaign platform reportedly includes legalizing all plants, putting wind turbines on elk, and introducing gender-neutral potato mascots into Idaho classrooms. When asked how he planned to win votes in rural Idaho, Achilles smiled and said, “By being unapologetically myself — which is exactly the problem.”
Sources close to the campaign say Achilles hopes to inspire young progressives, frustrate the GOP, and mostly, secure a slot on a TEDx Boise stage before disappearing into a solar-powered tiny house in McCall.
Republican strategists are thrilled. “We couldn’t have drawn it up better,” said one aide. “It’s like the Democrats hired a performance artist to make sure Mike Crapo never has to break a sweat.”
Achilles, undeterred by math, history, or polling, concluded his launch event with a powerful message: “This is not about winning — it’s about making a point.” What that point is remains unclear, but sources say it’s somewhere between “eat the rich” and “follow me on Substack.”
The campaign slogan? “Todd Achilles: Bold. Independent. Unelectable.”